It was announced yesterday afternoon that Michigan State University’s interim president, John Engler, will be leaving his role after a year of scandal and criticism. His appointment followed the resignation of Lou Anna K. Simon, after a year of scandal and criticism. The move left the MSU Board of Trustees scrambling for a replacement, and after only a day, they have found the perfect candidate: Supreme Court Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh.
Kavanaugh was sworn in only a few months ago, but his nomination hearings were met with scandal after he was accused of sexual assault and misconduct. While unaffiliated with MSU and higher education administration as a whole, the entire board has placed their trust in him.
“He’s truly the man for the job,” one member told us. “Who else could understand what MSU is going through right now on such a personal level?”
The idea was met with outcry from students and faculty alike.
“They have to be fucking with us,” said Katrina DeVries, a junior in the College of Arts and Letters. “Every president since the Nassar scandal broke has harmed survivors and enabled abusers. Who’s going to be next, Kevin Spacey?”
At the time of publication, Kavanaugh was said to be preparing for the role by chugging beer and yelling about abortion.
The Byzantine 