*Disclaimer: This story was published to warn the public around this coming Valentine’s Day that the only thing busting during your special bedroom time – if you’re lucky enough to get some – is you. This is a true story where the names and personal details were changed to protect their identities. Take notes, MSU.*
Around 9 p.m. on February 14th of 2018, Kristin and Caleb were about done eating their dinner at one of East Lansing’s finest, HopCat. Caleb and Kristin just recently started hooking up occasionally and Caleb thought why not kill two birds with one stone, take Kristin out for Valentine’s Day (at his favorite restaurant) and top it off with some “dessert” at his place after. Because in all honesty, what says romance more than eating the cheesy, Sloppy Joe mess that is Crack Fries? Nothing.
After a semi-successful but awkward dinner, Caleb takes Kristin back to his apartment to do what they do best. What Caleb absolutely loves about Kristin is how she is very different from most girls he’s been with in one way in particular.
“It’s like being transported to another planet”, Caleb recalled, referring to his private time with Kristin. “Best 5-8 minuets of my life”, he continued proudly. He even saved her name in his phone as “friendly neighborhood dominatrix”.
This time, he wanted it to be extra special. After all, it was Valentine’s Day, and he set up an official date and reservation for the two of them. Why shouldn’t the sex be just as mediocre and weird as the rest of the night?
Caleb and Kristin start their 5 minuets of bliss when midway through –about 2-3 minuets in – it comes to a crashing halt. Caleb wanted Kristin to know that he’s not only cool with but wants to participate in her bedroom style by attempting to take charge this time. He decided to maybe try some spanking her for the first time. As he is gaining confidence with this new move, Kristin suddenly moves just as he is about to go through with the action. However, as a result of Kristin suddenly moving, Caleb’s hand misses and hits her left cheek and ear very hard. Kristin is stunned, as is Caleb. Caleb instantly starts to apologize profusely, but Kristin doesn’t hear his mumbles of apologies. Her hearing is fuzzy and the only thing she can hear is a loud ringing in her left ear. After an hour-long hospital visit later, Kristin learns that the impact ruptured her left eardrum causing some hearing loss. Good news, Kristin’s ear will heal with time, but Caleb and Kristin’s relationship will not. Kristin dumped him on the spot.
“I’m just going to stay in my comfort zone for now on”, said Caleb. “Only classic, vanilla, plain-old missionary for me for now on, since that’s clearly all I can handle.”
Use this cautionary tale of love-making gone wrong to make sure that on this Valentine’s Day, no one ends up mortified or embarrassed, no one loses their hearing, and again, the only thing that should be busting this Valentine’s Day is YOU.
The Byzantine 