While people throughout the country prepare to enjoy a five day weekend with friends and family, one area family was rocked by debilitating news: cousin Jared would be present at Thanksgiving.

“He just sucks so bad, I was hoping he would stay home and argue on Reddit like he always does,” said a distressed cousin, Amy. “Now we’re all gonna have to listen to how he thinks feminism is cancer for four hours. Fuck this.”

Jared, a community college dropout who was recently kicked out of the Army for masturbating with the American flag, is almost universally hated by his extended family.

“He’s my grandson, so I really tried to love and support him,” said Grandma Edna while putting a lovely pecan pie in the oven. “But then one year he said my stuffing was too dry, and when I talked back he just kept saying ‘Lol triggered.’ He’s dead to me.”

Despite the utter hatred of Jared by most rational family members, he isn’t without some supporters.

“I recognize that my boy can be a little abrasive, but he’s only 29. He’s practically a child,” said Uncle Ron, Jared’s father. “If people just gave him a chance, I’m sure they would grow to be indifferent towards him.”

As of press time, the family was scrambling to appear busy after seeing Jared’s 1997 Toyota Corolla pull into the driveway.

 

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