As college basketball makes its way toward the spotlight, teams throughout the nation are training to face the rigors of the upcoming season. Some of these workouts can be a little bit unorthodox as teams try to gain an edge, but nothing compares to what an anonymous source close to The Byzantine found at a recent University of Michigan practice: the U of M basketball team uses shake weights.
And they like it.
The source, which may or may not have been a writer for The Byz on enemy grounds wearing a U of M t-shirt and holding binoculars, watched long and hard, jotting down notes in order to expose the team for who they are.
“Alright, everyone!” the Wolverines’ head coach, John Beilein, yells at the team. “Let’s air jerk!”
It was then that the reporter saw the whole basketball team shake those weights for the entirety of their practice with huge smiles on their faces, drool dripping down their chins.
“We’re never going to get to the Final Four with flappy arms!” Beilein yells, as the team shakes even faster. “We simply must tighten things up!”
The anonymous source (okay, fine, it’s us, we’re the source) watched carefully as even Beilein joined in on the fun. The two and a half pound weights appeared to be taking a toll on the team.
“Great practice so far, coach!” a player, whose name we don’t give a fuck about, yelled excitedly while beginning to pant. “But this is getting pretty exhausting.”
“No shit!” Beilein appeared to be annoyed and threw his shake weight at said player. “But if ya wanna go deep in the tourney, you’re gonna have to keep shaking it, baby.”
The Byz quickly bolted out of the gym after feeling an intense vibe of sexual tension. We are, however, excited to see how they play throughout the rest of the season and into March Madness.