For generations, people both young and old have wondered how Santa Claus, the clinically obese harbinger of holiday cheer, is able to visit millions of homes in one night. Wonder no more, because we here at The Byzantine have uncovered Santa’s true source of power. Yep, it’s just cocaine.

That’s right folks, St. Nicholas has been dashing through the snow and doing blow for all these years. This revelation has left people around the world shocked and confused.

 

“I always wondered why the ‘powdered sugar’ he left behind on the cookie plate would make my tongue go numb when I was a kid,” said area man Carl Fitzgerald. “I always thought it was magic or some shit, but I guess the big guy was just snowed out of his mind.”

 

After this recent revelation, some are now uncomfortable with Santa being a prominent children’s hero.

 

“I don’t want my precious children to see this holiday heathen getting wasted in our living room,” said area buzzkill Karen Lingard. “I want them to grow up to develop a dependence on Adderall and sleeping pills like normal well-adjusted people. I’m not gonna let this holiday heathen anywhere near my home.”

 

Despite the waves of criticism, the coked-up Kringle has found countless new supporters.

 

“YOOOOO, I wonder if Santa will bring me and the boys an eight ball this year, haha,” said frat president Bradley Busch. “Maybe he can chill for a bit and get wild with me, Connor, Conner, and Kyle. That would be fucking sick.”

 

Regardless of the public’s outcry, Santa will continue his coke habit throughout the holiday season and remain high as a kite until every last present is delivered.  

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