Growing up I was always a momma’s boy. Whenever I had a booboo, or an ouchie, or intense diarrhea, my mom was there to kiss it and make it better. As an adult my mom hasn’t been around to mend my broken bones or heart, but she has been a valuable and reliable sounding board for all of my biggest decisions. In short, she has been a remarkable friend. In fact, I used to consider my mom my best friend in the whole wide world.
But then I saw the truth.
This Mother’s Day I will not be calling my mom, or sending her flowers, or telling everyone her social security number, like I normally would. Instead I will be preparing for the imminent goblin uprising.
What, don’t believe me? The evidence is all around you.
Just last week I saw one scampering around the grocery store, rearranging items on shelves to confuse shoppers. And the week before that I saw three of them jump a homeless guy and steal his change.
The goblins aren’t just “on their way” or “a deranged fiction conjured up by a diseased mind.” They’re already here.
So be like me and tell your mom that you’re sorry, but you won’t be able to celebrate Mother’s Day this year. Because maybe Drake only loves his bed and his momma, but I prefer to add a third thing to that list: living in a goblin-free world.
The Byzantine 