President Donald Trump declared a state of emergency today, Valentine’s Day, with many believing that it was due to the failure of there being a proposed budget for his controversial border wall in a spending bill he was to sign today. As much as the wall is on Trump’s mind, we all know that his mind’s not what Trump is thinking with these days. The state of emergency was actually declared because President Trump realized that he wasn’t going to be getting any hanky panky action on Valentine’s Day.

“This is a disaster for all Americans,” Trump stated. “I of all people should be getting laid tonight. Whether it’s with Melania, my smoking hot daughter Ivanka, or any women who would let me grab them by the… anyway, I’m just saying, if this doesn’t get solved soon, my nuke-button is looking real good right now.”

Many are begging Melania to see what she can do about the situation, but she says her hands are tied. Well, untied actually.

“Donald wanted to do some freaky shit tonight,” Melania was heard saying. “He had all his toys laid out on our bed at the White House, and I just could not deal with that. He may have promised in the primaries that his member was big, but let me tell you that that is a promise he did not keep, just like his border wall.”

Trump then continued on in his declaration of a state of emergency, talking more in depth about his sexual wants and desires.

“I think anyone across the aisle can agree on this,” Trump declared, “that humans need sex. Especially on a day like Valentine’s Day. I’ve been hard at work trying to gift America a border wall, just like they say they’ve wanted, the least I can get is a little sugar! It’s the day of love, you guys! This state of emergency is something anyone can relate to!”

Something anyone except Mike Pence can relate to, who, as of publishing, has never been confirmed as to having “gotten it in” before.