Spring is finally starting in East Lansing, and the warm weather is putting MSU students in a good mood. They’re getting outside, tossing Frisbees around with wild abandon, sunbathing even when it’s mostly overcast, and even breaking out hammocks to show everyone that they’re either one with nature or that they’ve already bought tickets to Lollapalooza.

But one spring past time here at MSU that is going unnoticed is volleyball. MSU loves volleyball apparently, as practically every single dorm hall has a volleyball court located outside of them. But can we talk about all of them for a minute? Because, in our opinion, there are way too many courts for the amount of people who are playing the sport. Being honest here, we can count the amount of times we’ve seen a group playing volleyball on one finger, and even then, it wasn’t even enough people for a proper game. It was just three people pitifully hitting the ball back and forth. It was honestly sad and put a damper on our day.

Seriously, why are there so many volleyball courts? Like, MSU even went out and got sand for these volleyball courts! Actual thought and care went into making these volleyball courts, that nobody uses, a thing. Not to mention that for 90% of the school year, the weather is shit for playing a volleyball game outside! There’s usually so much snow on the ground that you wouldn’t even be able to tell when a ball was out or not! Like, no one’s living in Wonders Hall in February and thinking “You know what seems like a good time right now? Playing some volleyball outside! Let’s go, my fellow Spartans, and use the volleyball courts MSU has so graciously provided to us!”

And sure, MSU has a volleyball team, but it’s not like the team is practicing on these courts. They probably have their own courts to practice on, they don’t need these dorm courts. So why did we get them? Is MSU trying to encourage people to play volleyball? Are they trying to corner the market on college volleyball players and are wanting to secretly churn them out? Is MSU trying to plant the seed of volleyball into every single one of its students minds by having all these volleyball courts? MSU must be making the students think that since there is a volleyball court at their dorm, that they just have to play volleyball now, and that’s when they get them. Now those students get others to play with them, and suddenly more people are playing volleyball, and then start wanting to play it professionally. MSU suddenly has a volleyball culture, the students live and breathe volleyball. It’s all they can think about. They become slaves to volleyball. And MSU puts them out into the world, and then it starts to spread. People get infected with the desire to play volleyball. Then they get married to someone and give that person the volleyball infection. Then they birth babies and raise them to love volleyball, and then where do those babies go when it’s time for them to go to college? Michigan State University, the college with the best volleyball culture, obviously. Then MSU gets their money. It’s all for the money. Volleyball means more money, it’s a conspiracy, man! Tell everyone! Don’t fall victim to it! Follow the white rabbit and you’ll be free!

So maybe just put in like a picnic area next time, that could be nice.

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