After years of printing here at MSU, I decided it was finally time to do what I thought was impossible: Print a full black sheet of paper from an MSU printer. There have been rumors, of course, of students trying to print a fully-black sheet only to be stopped by the Men in Black, or the FBI’s own X-Files unit. I was going to be the first to succeed.
I inserted a rectangle into Microsoft Word late last night, making sure to look over my shoulder for any sort of government official looking to stop me. I resized to fill the entire page, turned my margins to zero, and turned the shape black. I copied the first page for the back side of the sheet of paper.
I was looking into the void, and it was staring back at me. Is this even ethical? Can I go through with this? I thought, unable to curtail my fear. The implications of printing a full black sheet of paper weighed heavily on me, straining my moral compass to the point of breaking it. Was I playing God?
Like Dr. Frankenstein, I loaded my monster into print.msu.edu, and ordered my own Igor to flip the switch, and by that I mean, pressed the print button. I collapsed in a heap, fearful for what might come out the other end. I could cower no longer. I needed to face my crime, my monster.
No officers came to get me. There have been no legal consequences, only moral consequences. Patrons in the Snyder Hall lounge where I created this monstrosity recoiled at the sight of it. It gives you an uneasy feeling just to hold in your hands. It wasn’t like any black paper you could buy in the store, this was different. It lacked the soul, it knew what it was supposed to be, and this wasn’t it.
The page had small white margins on the edges (because of the way printers work), and that would not do. The page compelled me to fill in the white space. I reached into my bag and pulled out a black Crayola marker to finish my ungodly deed. There was no stopping me, I was under the spell of the paper.
This is my confession: I printed an all-black page on an MSU printer and for that I am sorry. I have committed a crime against humanity and implore any authority, supernatural or otherwise, to punish me like the sick bastard I am.