A stunning new report out this morning from the Center for Disease Control has concluded that the average American is now too large to take Santa Claus’s place in a desperate bid to save Christmas.
The troubling report used a vast data set from across the nation, and was written by a team of more than fifty scientists from various institutions. The CDC spearheaded the effort in order to get a clearer picture of how prepared the nation is to save the beloved Christmas holiday, should the need arise.
The prospects are not looking good.
The report found that, on average, Americans now have waists that are much too wide to fit down chimneys that are even larger than average, a critical part of Mr. Claus’s job. The report went on to say that, even if their massive bodies were sufficiently buttered up, the average American wouldn’t stand a chance of squeezing down that chimney and delivering the presents in time.
“The science really is quite simple,” said Dr. Lindsey Shuckleham, a professor in epidemiology and co-author of the new report. “There’s just too much girth going on down there. Too much junk in the trunk, you know? Folks are getting a little too thick. I think you catch my drift.”
In the wake of this report, many are speculating whether new legislation protecting Santa Claus and the important work he does is overdue. “This report proves that the War on Christmas should be our top priority,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan, a Republican from Wisconsin. “I am calling on the House to not advance any other legislation, nor speak on any other issue, until our precious Christmas is protected. Christmas used to depend on dutiful Americans stepping up to deliver gifts in Santa’s stead as needed, but now proper protection can’t be guaranteed until the defense budget has been at least tripled.”
In wake of the CDC report, Mr. Claus was reported to be urging Americans to actually “save some of the milk and cookies” for him for a change.
The Byzantine 