In a political scandal that some analysts claim rivals Iran-Contra, a bombshell report has revealed that the real reason Ryan Zinke is leaving his post as Secretary of the Interior is because he was implicated in a massive scheme to rob Santa Claus of his coal supply.
Mr. Claus, aged 1,748, is well-known for possessing the largest single collection of coal in the world. He frequently uses his coal as “gifts” to punish naughty children during Christmastime. It was Mr. Claus’s wife, Mrs. Claus, who caught a group of American commandos scouting the perimeter of the large magic satchel containing the coal.
The plot only became linked to Zinke after an extensive investigation revealed that one of the commandos was a former Zinke campaign donor; further investigatory work done jointly by the FBI and Interpol’s Inter-Pole Cooperative Task Force revealed that Mr. Zinke had been directly involved in orchestrating the plot.
This fiasco is just the latest in a string of controversies for Zinke, who has been accused of misusing taxpayer money to take private charter flights as well as to refurbish doors in his office to the tune of $139,000.
President Donald Trump, who nominated Mr. Zinke to head the Department of the Interior on December 13th, 2016, denied any knowledge of the plot. Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, speaking to reporters earlier today, reported that “the president told us long ago not to pay attention to anything that Inferior Secretary (sic) does.”
At press time, The Byzantine had received an email from a spokesman for Mr. Claus confirming that Mr. Zinke was set to receive a massive load of coal on Christmas anyway, had he simply waited. It has not yet been determined what Mr. Zinke will now wake up to on Christmas morning.