Let’s drop the charade, Uncle Bill. Thanksgiving isn’t about gratitude, it’s about crushing you in arguments. If Thanksgiving isn’t about winning, why is there always a football game on? This year I’m prepared, and I’m pulling out all the stops.

Let’s get the obvious out of the way: I already did my research for when you start talking about Trump fixing the country, but I’m even ready for non-political arguments. This time, I don’t even care if you’re objectively right about anything. I’ve spent all year getting ready for this, and I’m going to win.

I already prepared reasons for why The Beatles are the worst musicians of all time, as well as the best.

I have list of reasons to call fizzy drinks either soda or pop. That’s right, I’m playing both sides.

Even though I’ve seen it enough to know the plot, I’m ready to argue that Happy Feet is a movie about a penguin coming to terms with his foot fetish.

I didn’t spend five years in a debate club just to be outdone by someone who repeats their talking points from talk radio and memes from Facebook pages. This year the most delicious part of Thanksgiving dinner will be the sweet taste of victory.

I just sincerely hope you didn’t flip your opinions in the last year. Otherwise, I’m going to look pretty racist.

 

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