The breaking point for the longest government shutdown in US history may have finally been reached. Sources have confirmed that millions of Americans are preparing to take to the streets in protest after realizing that they actually miss the Transportation Security Administration.
Like, the fucking TSA.
“I cannot remember ever being this outraged, this incensed,” said protest organizer and former TSA-hater Lydia Clark of Sacramento. “Hating the TSA with a violent passion used to be one of my core personality traits. Now I lie awake at night thinking of them, wanting them to get paid, wanting more of them to come back to work. It’s sickening.”
TSA agents have been expected to report to work during the government shutdown, even though they are not being paid. As a result, some have elected to not report for duty, putting airports and travelers alike in a tight spot.
“Without their stupid and ineffective security measures, I won’t be able to go see Phish in concert,” said Gene Simmons. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, and I’m not really sure why you asked for my opinion, but I miss the goddamn TSA.”
He sniffed before adding with a shaky voice: “I think about them all the time.”
It is currently unclear how President Donald J. Trump will react to the protests once they begin, but he is reportedly unfazed by the early reports. A source close to the president told The Byzantine that “President Trump feels strongly that the Border Wall is more important than the travel needs of hundreds of millions of American citizens.”
At press time, local and national news organizations were being bombarded with love letters for the TSA, with accompanying instructions pleading for the heartfelt words to be read aloud on air for all the world to hear.