We’ve all been there: you walk into your first 10:20 of the semester and see not the lowly, graying Dr. Swaine you’re used to seeing, but instead notice a hot daddy prof sporting a full beard. Instead of a normal day at Michigan State, you’ve bought yourself a one-way ticket to Poundtown University. Before you tell him you want to ride that luscious beard, try using our advice to ensure your success.

10.) Ask Him About His Kids:

In order to establish a friendship – the precursor to most solid relationships – you need to show an interest in his life. What better way to say “I’m mom material” than by acting so into hearing about little Levi and Isabella?

9.) Ask Him About His Kinks:

So maybe this one’s a little forward, but why not at least see if he is into the same things you are, like being tied to a tetherball pole and then slathered in cream cheese? Asking him is a great option because it’s easy to slip in between questions about the syllabus and if all papers will be double-spaced.

8.) Tell Him About Your Accomplishments:

Whether an accomplished researcher in Lyman Briggs or the Beer Olympics champion three years running, this is your time to show him what you’re made of. Professors love to see hard work and progress – show him what you’re made of!

7.) Leave Romantic Song Lyrics on Your D2L Discussion Posts:

You need to make your intentions clear without being too obvious, so instead of writing about the socioeconomic conditions in Cuba or the recent controversy surrounding the election in Brazil, take the time to write some truly romantic and touching song lyrics like “all of me loves all of you”, “Heaven is a place on Earth with you”, or “every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed man”.

6.) Like His Facebook Post from 2008:

He’s a decade older than you, so his website of choice happens to be the same as your mom’s. Try to remember your Hotmail password, log in, and search him up. It doesn’t matter what you like – you just need to make your presence known.

5.) Put Hentai That Looks Suspiciously Like You on the Projector:

Oh no, what ever could that be? Is it perhaps a sexual drawing that takes inspiration from anime art styles and looks a whole lot like you, but with tentacles? Hmm, that’s definitely not obvious.

4.) Fuck Your Ex-Boyfriend:

Maybe if you cooled off a little bit you’d realize that going after you prof is actually a bad idea. Your ex is here to help with that – or hey, maybe he’ll just remind you of how much better you could do.

3.) Buy His Book(s):

While potentially a form of modern-day prostitution, professors are poor, and purchasing one or more of his books puts him in debt to you.

2.) Secure Him a Modeling Contract with Wendy’s:

As previously mentioned, being a professor is not a lucrative gig. Help turn his life around by making sure he gets the sweetest Frosty money can buy, AKA a job standing in front of a camera eating sub-par, overpriced junk food. While Wendy’s may be the Wal-mart of fast food, anything would be better than another lecture on NATO.

1.) Give Up and Pine After Him All Semester:

Look, he’s cute, but is he really worth risking a bad grade or expulsion? Keep hooking up with that trombone guy in SMB and dream about your prof instead. It might be the most fool-proof option yet.

Whether pushing for a Wendy’s deal or spending your waitressing money on his shitty books, seducing your prof can be done in many different ways. Good luck!

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