After a barrage of big scary noises crashed down on the ears of MSU trustees at their January 9th meeting, super-duper daddy John Engler brought in squishies to make the noises go bye-bye, The Byzantine can confirm.

Multiple trustees have independently told The Byzantine that they are very excited to put the squishies right into their ear-holes the next time a stranger tries to throw mean scary noises at them. Many of the trustees reported being super sad after the mean people shouted words at them at the last meeting.

“Mr. Engler is so kind and big-hearted to gift us these squishies,” the trustees scrawled in a letter, each signing their name in a different color of crayon. “Scary noises make us sad, but thanks to him now those noises will go bye-bye forever.”

Independent reporting has confirmed that the “big scary noises” in question were members of the student body sharing stories of harassment, discrimination, and sexual assault they have faced on campus. Most if not all of the stories concluded by stating that the MSU administration did nothing to seek justice for the victims at hand.

Interim President Engler, when reached by phone, stated that he had no comment. When pressed further, he announced that he had just finished passing out the juice and “needed to get the children ready for bed” before abruptly hanging up.

Advertisements