The comparisons came swiftly when Elizabeth Warren, the senior United States Senator from Massachusetts, announced she was forming an exploratory committee for a 2020 presidential run. The specter of Hillary Clinton looms large in the background, with numerous op-eds penned to describe how Warren can avoid becoming just “another Hillary.” In addition, The Byzantine has received numerous reports that the nation is extremely hesitant to believe that Elizabeth Warren, as an independent physical being, has her own unique thoughts, feelings, and ideas separate from those of Hillary Clinton.
Frankly, it just doesn’t add up.
“I mean if you think about it, they both have long hair,” said Iowa contractor David Durbis. “And they have feminine facial features. Breasts. Higher-pitched voices than the average man. If they look so similar, why would we expect them to be different presidential candidates with different policy platforms?”
Mr. Durbis’s ideas reflect a common sentiment across the nation. It seems nobody, no matter how hard they try, can find a single way that Elizabeth Warren differs from Hillary Clinton, or from any other woman they know.
“She’s basically Hillary 2.0,” said local swim coach Roger Fox. “They both speak in full and complete sentences. They’re both shorter than me, I think. Just like my mother-in-law, always talking and expressing thoughts and opinions and trying to succeed in a cold, dark world that constantly pushes them down. It makes me sick.”
Quotes like these from normal, free-thinking, hard-working American men should serve as a wake-up call to Warren. The nation is simply not ready to accept that she uses her brain to produce thoughts and ideas independent from Hillary Clinton’s brain, and perhaps until it is ready to do so, we will never have a woman in the White House.
At press time, all of the nation’s men were sitting in a bar expressing the opinion that there is “just something inherently unlikable” about Senator Warren, but none of them could “put their finger[s] on it.”