So it happened; your worst fear has finally come to life. Mom brought her new boyfriend home to meet you, and it’s MSU’s Interim President, John Engler. To your horror, they have news for you: they’re engaged. Luckily, there’s a few things to try before resigning yourself to years of buying him a “#1 Interim President” mug for Father’s Day.

5.) Buy a Katana and Display It in the Living Room:
Even though you’ve sworn to never use it unless you were in a life or death situation, letting him know you’re a master in the art of the blade could be the perfect move that would force him to leave. Caution is advised – he may begin training to defeat you.

4.) Eat the Engagement Ring:
Desperate times call for desperate measures. He can’t propose if he doesn’t have the ring, and there is no place safer than your stomach. Once you find it, get ready to feast. To make it palatable, you might need to stash it in a real meal. We’ve tried eating jewelry at ten restaurants in East Lansing, and it is by far the easiest in a Cottage Inn pizza.

3.) Leave a Mean Note:
If you can make him cry, he won’t want to be your new stepdad. Write him a note reminding him he’s only an interim president. That’s like the stepdad of presidents. Also, threaten to tell your mom about the embarrassing secret you know about him. Even though you actually know nothing, it’s a pretty good gamble he’s hiding something.

2.) Beg Him Not to Marry Your Mom:
As an MSU student, you’re probably used to groveling at your professors for extensions and extra credit by now. This might be the time to put that skill to good use. If you cry, make sure to cry on him. Remind him that you guys will have this conversation daily, for years.

1.) Teach Your Mom to Clap at the End of Movies:
Save this one for last, because this is mutually assured destruction. You’ll live the rest of your life knowing you made a movie-clapper, but he will surely leave when your mom breaks out in applause at their dates at Studio C. You can even clap at him while he walks out the front door with his stuff, and your mom wonders what the hell is wrong with both of you.

Act fast, because cuffing season is around the corner. Once your mom and John Engler hit the honeymoon phase, it’ll be too late. Good luck!

 

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