After the Michigan State Men’s Basketball team suffered a heartbreaking loss to the Texas Tech Red Raiders, spirits became quite low in East Lansing. The depth of this despair is hard to quantify, but an alarming new report suggests that the MSU student body is so depressed by the loss they can’t even find it within themselves to burglarize their neighbors anymore.
Wow. Talk about sad.
Whereas students mere days ago would have felt just fine roaming their residence halls looking for unlocked doors and unguarded valuables, as of Saturday night, all signs of opportunistic breaking and entering have ground to a halt.
“It truly is a sight to see,” said MSU police chief Bill Buttlicker, referring to the empty hallways of Wilson Hall. “If I’d come in here Saturday during the day I would’ve had to stop, like, 15 burglaries in progress. Maybe more. But now it’s eerily still, almost like MSU’s defense late in the second half.”
The timetable of fan recovery is hard to predict, experts warn. It’s entirely possible that the student body will be too depressed to commit another burglary for the rest of the semester – truly remarkable, given the rate at which unlocked rooms were preyed upon by people with nothing better to do in prior months. Attempting to speed up this recovery, the Board of Trustees recently announced a $1 million Fan Revitalization Fund, meant to help Spartan fans everywhere get back on their burgling feet after this devastating loss.
“We really can’t think of a better way to spend this money,” said Board chair Dianne Byrum. “This is what the student body deserves.”