An MSU student returning from Spring Break went straight from Cancun to Swoon City when she discovered that the campus burglar had broken into her dorm room and stolen her heart.
Cara Millesoli, a sophomore packaging student, said she knew this was bound to happen to someone on campus eventually; she just never thought it would be little ol’ her.
“I mean, there have been countless burglaries all across campus this semester,” Ms. Millesoli explained to The Byzantine over a piping hot cup of joe. “It hasn’t even been safe to leave your front door unlocked while out of town for a week and a half, can you believe that?”
The Byzantine could not believe it. Nor could we believe how quickly Ms. Millesoli had fallen for the serial campus criminal, who she affectionately calls “Bugle.”
“Me and Bugle really got quite serious the second I saw him in my room, rifling through a small chest containing all of my most prized possessions. He saw a lot of my jewelry and other valuables, sure, but the most important thing he saw was a view into my innermost self, a self that only he could bring out through the power of romance.”
Campus police confirmed that they have a warrant out for the immediate arrest of the burglar, but are hesitating to call in Ms. Millesoli for questioning. “As MSU employees, it just isn’t in our nature to try all that hard to solve serious campus-wide issues,” said police spokesperson Norbert Goodenough. “I can promise you this, though: when we catch him we’re gonna make that Bugle sing like we’re at a military funeral.”