Even amidst testimony from his former fixer Michael Cohen and general nationwide chaos amidst his administration as a whole, reports came in early today suggesting that President Donald J. Trump still found a way to be petty. Washington insiders reported that President Trump is expected to sign his “Leap Year” executive order later today, officially making 2019 a leap year and adding one more day to the month of February. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why.

“The president has been living through a personal hell brought on by all of you,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told an assembled crowd of reporters. “And if you’re making him feel bad, then by gorsh, you ought to feel bad too. Hyuck.”

The order, like everything else in the hellscape we call “modern life,” is completely unprecedented. No other president has ever sought to add a day to a year for any reason, much less out of pure spite.

“Fuck you guys. Seriously, I mean it, fuck all of you straight to fuck,” President Trump said before entering Air Force One, the luxurious personal aircraft that has a dining room, conference room, and operating room complete with a doctor, which only the President of the United States of America, who is generally considered to be the most powerful individual on the planet, is allowed to fly on, along with a bunch of people whose sole purpose is to make him as comfortable as possible. “You are all mean. And dumb and ugly. And super, just, mean and super mean. Fuck off.”

At press time, and in the wake of this huge shift in US calendar policy, Republican leaders in the House and Senate were mulling over whether or not to push Michael Cohen’s testimony back to February 33rd, which does not exist.

 

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