Starbucks has become an American institution over the past few decades, with millions of Americans lining up each day to get a sweet, sweet taste of their caffeinated sludge. Lately, Starbucks has been in the news for an even worse reason than a recall or employees calling the cops on black men for no reason: the political aspirations of founder and former CEO Howard Schultz. The Schultzter has been ruminating on the possibility of a presidential run, and in response many have taken up the issue of his candidacy with their local Starbucks barista.
If you’re a concerned citizen trying to squeeze some info out of that pimply-faced, woefully-underpaid coffee drone, feel free to try yelling one of these responses when they inevitably tell you that “for the last time, I don’t personally know Howard Schultz!”
5.) “And I don’t personally know your mother, but I still have quite the opinion on her!”
This one is just beautifully sassy. Leave that barista stunned and wishing they hadn’t bothered waking up that morning by going right for home. The true grace of this response lies in the unknown. What exactly is your opinion of this stranger’s mother? What history do you and her share? Oh, how the details titillate!
4.) “Oh yeah? Then explain this!” *pull out framed picture of barista with Howard Schultz that you stole from their timeshare in Fort Lauderdale*
If they claim to not personally know the Schulztinator, how on Earth could they keep this treasured framed photo with him at their timeshare down in the Sunshine State? Check and mate.
3.) “The Sun God frowns down upon you, peasant!”
Every single Starbucks employee is required by law to be personally acquainted with Howard Schultz; any denial of this fact is an outright lie. Lies, as we all know, are sins that full under the purview of the Sun God. Invoke the sunny wrath of the Great Fireball in the Sky to damn this liar to perpetual frowns!
2.) “Why are you being so mean to me?”
Everyone is always mean to you. What did you do to deserve this kind of treatment? All you did was go to a local establishment that allegedly sells coffee and ask a stranger about their personal relationship with the person of means founder and CEO of said establishment. When did that become a crime? Maybe your father was right, maybe you are just unlovable.
1.) “You are unlovable!”
Well now that you’ve accepted the truth about yourself, might as well flip it around on this asshole. “Oh, you’re too good to tell me about potential independent presidential candidate Howard Schultz? Then I guess you are just an unlovable sack of flour with no hope of ever leading a fulfilling life.” Yeah, yeah, that’s good. Get some of that down in a voicemail to your dad too while you’re at it.