With the polar vortex, temperatures in the negatives, and wind chill in the double-digit negatives, East Lansing – and much of the Midwest – is uninhabitable. Authorities are warning that being outside for less than five minutes can lead to frostbite. As a result, MSU cancelled all classes both yesterday and today, making Spartan history and leaving students bored and rowdy. For this reason, we’ve made you a list of things you can do (mostly) inside in less time than getting frostbite outside.
10.) Chug a Beer:
Getting frostbite takes several minutes, but drinking a beer takes a measly thirty seconds. Instead of sneaking a Bud Light into your ISB 208 lab and chugging it when your TA gets distracted by the thought of bees, you get to enjoy your premium brew from the comfort of your bed.
9.) Microwave a Hot Pocket and Immediately Take a Bite:
If you want to remember that heat and warmth are real, just microwave one of these bad boys and eat it right when it’s done. Not only will it burn your mouth, but your soul will leave your body and you’ll lose all sense of time. Cool!
8.) Start Listening to Your Prof’s Online Lecture:
Your poor, sweet, naïve professor really thought everyone would tune into his Zoom lecture about Immanuel Kant. Pretend to be a good student and listen to the first few minutes – we all know that by the time you would’ve gotten frostbite if you were outside, you’ll already have left the room to catch up on The Good Place.
7.) Do Some Arts and Crafts:
When you were younger, your snow days probably consisted of The Price is Right and macaroni art. Now that you’re older, you can spend this time doing every college student’s favorite craft project: making a bong out of whatever’s around you. Quick, easy, and has a lot of long-term benefits.
6.) Burn Your Textbooks for Warmth:
Now that the state is asking everyone to turn their heat down, you need some way to stay warm – just burn your textbooks! It looks like we won’t be going to class again this year anyway.
5.) Listen to “Sicko Mode”:
Why walk in the cold all the way to Harper’s for a night of debauchery when you could just blast this crowd-pleasing Travis Scott favorite, that is conveniently about the same amount of time as getting frostbite, in the comfort of your own home? You know what they say – “sun is down, freezin’ cold, that’s how we already know winter’s here.”
4.) Jerk Off:
Yeah, this’ll definitely take you less than five minutes.
3.) Think Really Hard About Cleaning Your Room and Doing Homework:
A bonus day is the perfect time to complete the chores you’ve been procrastinating on; however, the problem is that you don’t want to. Think about it really hard for a few minutes and then pat yourself on the back for today’s effort.
2.) Buy Ice Cream from an Ice Cream Truck:
Wait, what’s that sound? Good lord, it’s an ice cream truck! Quick, grab the quarters from your roommate’s desk and go grab a tasty treat!
1.) Pray for a Third Snow Day:
Hey, despite supposedly rising temperatures, no harm in hoping MSU has their first-ever three-day cancellation!