With April Fools’ Day here, it seems appropriate to acknowledge one of the biggest tricksters out there: the US government. In this age of political turmoil and contention, a lot of suspicious eyes are being turned towards the government, and the people are demanding transparency. We know a lot about our government, but what you might not have known is all the ways those saucy bastards have been pulling your leg this whole time.
In my humble opinion, the US government has taken the bird thing way too far. What began as an innocent ploy to spy on us using drones disguised as made-up animals has spiraled into a full-blown web of lies and thinly veiled claims to the validity of birds. The government’s institutions are telling our children birds are real. There are whole groups dedicated entirely to “bird watching”. They have even gone as far as to establish a phony scientific field referred to as “ornithology” which claims birds are descendants of dinosaurs. We all know the dinosaurs died. Checkmate, Congress.
The government has instilled in us something we now refer to as a “sense of responsibility”. There are 5 senses, and responsibility is not one of them, Mr. President. Responsibility is an imaginary concept whose goal is to make us help others, save the environment, do our homework, or clean the bathroom. But for what? The cold hand of death does not grant you more time because you got to work on time and scrubbed the toilet. Life is meaningless and responsibility is a hoax perpetrated by an overly optimistic governing body.
They just did this one to mess with us. We’ve been playing into this cruel joke for far too long. Down with math!
3.) Lizard People
For a while now, the general public has begun to suspect the presence of a lizard master-race and I am here to tell you that yes, they do exist. The lizard-people began as an experiment by the US government in the 1960s but soon got out of control when the experiment subjects proved to be far intellectually superior than all government officials. Soon, the entire government was taken over by lizard people and some were placed in positions of great power within society (for example, Mark Zuckerberg, founder of mind-control and surveillance technology Facebook is a lizard-man). They have kept their existence a secret since then and we have continued to fall for it. They find it amusing that our inferior human brains haven’t caught on yet. Let’s show these scaly test tube babies who’s boss and expose their elaborate prank to the world, and beyond!
2.) Hugh Jackman
Not only does Hugh Jackman play Wolverine, Hugh Jackman really is Wolverine. This is less of a prank and more a secret, but when Jackman was born, his incredible powers were considered by the lizard-people to be a serious threat to national safety. In an effort to keep society safe from him (and Jackman safe from himself), the government invented the Marvel Universe (sorry Stan Lee, you’ve been exposed) and devised a plan to convince Jackman and the nation that his powers were merely the result of “movie-magic”.
1.) The Barr Summary of the Mueller Report
We all know he’s guilty. Just, c’mon.