Although Valentine’s Day may be over, there’s one unlucky fellow who got through it without so much as a peck on the cheek: our beloved mascot, Sparty. According to the MSU Alumni Association, Sparty has been single “since the dawn of time itself” – no hookups for him!
We interviewed the Michigan State icon on what it means to be a single mascot in the year 2019, what he’s looking for in a partner, and his opinion on the 2020 presidential election.
The Byz: Sparty! It’s good to see you. How did you spend your Valentine’s Day?
Sparty: It was good! I got a dozen doughnuts from Quality Dairy, went home to the Union, and cried myself to sleep next to the bronze statue of myself.
The Byz: So, you’ve been on the prowl for awhile, huh?
Sparty: You could say that. I even made a MascoTinder! No matches so far, but I’m pretty hopeful. I ran into Brutus the Buckeye and saw he Super Liked me, but my friend Gritty [the Philadelphia Flyers mascot] said he’s a terrible lover. He’s a little nuts.
The Byz: How is dating now compared to how it was in the past?
Sparty: It’s a lot easier. I may not have found anyone yet, but it’s nice knowing I have a chance. Back in the ‘80s, dating was just doing cocaine in the back of your Oldsmobile outside of Rick’s – nowadays you can just chat online or send snaps.
The Byz: Do you think, as our school’s representative, that it looks bad to be single?
Sparty: Not at all. Being single can be good! Many of our most beloved football players were single when they won us championships.
The Byz: What is it that you’re looking for?
Sparty: Ideally someone made of fabric and foam – but I wouldn’t mind using rubber.
The Byz: What about what you’re looking for in a U.S. president?
Sparty: Ideally, I would vote for myself. The problem is that, in my current form, I’m only 29. If you include the terrifying, fiberglass-head version of me then I’m old enough, but I’m worried people would use that against me and I’d rather not bring it up.
The Byz: Anything else you’d like to say to our audience?
Sparty: The Byz is the best humor and satire publication I have ever come across. If I had a partner, we’d read it every night before bed. Now let’s go get ready for March Madness!
We’d like to thank our busy mascot for taking the time to chat with us. Who knows – maybe the next time we interview him he’ll be the U.S. president with his very own First Mascot!
The Byzantine 