Multiple reports are coming in that, of-fucking-course on your night out, some local know-it-all at Mac’s Open Mic Night won’t shut up about comedian Pete Davidson’s early comic influences.

“Not a lot of people know this, but his father died in the 9/11 terrorist attacks,” the insufferable ignoramus ejected at all the unwilling ears near him. “Facing a tragedy that early really affected him. He had to use comedy to cope.”

With an apparently encyclopedic knowledge of Davidson’s Wikipedia page, the fucking nitwit is showing no signs of slowing down. In fact at this rate, you’ll be lucky to hear any of the first act.


“Many people think his self-deprecating style stems from Louis C.K.,” the stuck-up ass blabbed mercilessly.” But really it’s a unique amalgamation of Ben Stiller, Conan O’Brien, and his own rough-and-tumble Staten Island upbringing.”

“People also often say that he can only be funny after smoking marijuana,” the idiot added with a wry smile that would make Satan cry. “But that was only for his first ever performance, at a bowling alley. Do you really think he’d get on SNL if he wasn’t truly talented?”

Taking a swig of his drink provided some unwitting victims the time window to stealthily move seats or mumble “bathroom” before disappearing for the remainder of the night. The nebbish little nerd took no notice, and waved them away as if they were unworthy of his enlightening insights.

“I really think it’s just a matter of time until he revolutionizes comedy as we know it,” the horrid worm droned on. “Comedy these days is way too theatrical; people try too hard to be funny. It’s great to have an up-and-coming talent who doesn’t care about that kinda stuff.”

“I’m sure his first stand-up special, whenever it comes out, will be absolutely gold,” the wretched creature screeched.

At press time, the swirling vortex of despair was heard telling patrons that Billy Eichner “technically doesn’t count as a comedian.”