Another day, another Buzzfeed list of cool things from your childhood that you vividly remember loving more than you loved your own dog. But before you sell your car just so you can buy an entire crate of Hi-C Ecto Coolers on eBay, remember that you’re looking at your youth through rose-tinted glasses – nothing is as good as you remember it. Like…
10.) Pajama Sam:
This cape-wearing video game hero kept you entertained for hours on rainy days when you didn’t want to play outside. However, if you popped in that disc today, instead of looking for a lost lunch box, you’d be looking for your will to live.
9.) AOL Messenger:
There was nothing like logging on to AIM, messaging your crush something super weird, and then deleting your entire account, only to start all over again. Nowadays we’re so desensitized to social media that you could send your crush a seven-hour video of Obama saying Paul Blart quotes and he wouldn’t even bat an eye. No one cares about anything anymore.
8.) Nestle Wonder Ball:
Nestle used to be a company that sold delicious chocolate balls filled with tasty candy; now they just steal water from Michigan lakes and cause environmental devastation that harms countries across the globe. Replace your Nestle with nihilism.
7.) Those Disney Cups from Burger King that All the Cool Kids Had:
Whether it was Peter Pan, The Lion King, or some other fantastic Disney movie, these cups were the coolest thing you could drink Tang out of. While you could buy all of them brand new on eBay for a few hundred dollars, even these couldn’t quell the feelings of inadequacy and anxiety that haunt you every day.
6.) The Oregon Trail Video Game:
Everyone remembers sitting in their third-grade classroom playing some iteration of this classic computer game. Nowadays there are parodies like The Organ Trail where your task is to kill zombies. This is a metaphor for how dead we all are inside – playing The Oregon Trail won’t mask that pain. Also, you’ll probably get dysentery.
5.) DunkARoos:
These delicious dippable cookies were the most valued part of any student’s lunchbox. If you were to eat some of these today, the only thing you’d want to dunk is yourself into a well of depression.
4.) Tamagotchi:
These little hand-held pets used to be the light of your life. If you had kept yours alive long enough for it to be here today, it wouldn’t even matter, because nothing matters and life is meaningless.
3.) Pogs:
These tradeable discs caused hours of fun and fighting all over the schoolyard. Because everyone lost them long ago, trying to use them again today would be as pointless as getting up in the morning.
2.) Your Beloved B*Witched Album:
This Irish girl group released one of the best pop albums of the later 90s with their self-titled B*Witched. Instead of singing along to “C’est La Vie”, you’ll be saying that every time something bad happens as a way of coping with the tragedies that strike you every day.
1.) Furby:
This little creature was, and is, a nightmare. No amount of nostalgia can erase the fact that he’s been haunting you for years. Not only does he not make your life any better, he probably makes it a whole lot worse.
No matter how much you think obsessing over your childhood will help you, the devastating realities of adulthood are still here to remind you of what’s in store for your future.
The Byzantine 