MSU Students were in for a shock today when they read “Lou Anna Bailout Tax” listed on their student account balance. Reportedly the tax was added in wake of the news that MSU is to pay for former president Lou Anna K. Simon’s criminal defense in her upcoming trial.
“At first we considered just naming it the ‘fuck you tax,’” said Miles Wright, a public relations expert for Michigan State. “But we felt like leaning on the side of subtlety might be better.”
“We were hoping nobody would find out, but we decided we had to be transparent and list it on student account balances. We were transporting the money from our toilets to Simon’s hideout in the sewer,” Wright told The Byzantine. We’re thankful for MSU’s honest administration.
Wright continued, “Lou Anna could never afford a top-notch defense by herself. The diamonds in her severance package can’t be used as legal tender, everyone knows that.”
Wright then excused himself from the room while grabbing some crickets from a bag labeled “
president food.” He then walked into the next room and shut the door. We heard a flush, and then a scream. We did not see Wright again.
Regardless of the outcome of Simon’s upcoming criminal trial she will certainly be enjoying her time in the spotlight.